Title: Awkward Silences
Author: hostilecrayon
Pairing: 1=2
Rating: PG
Warnings: Duo POV. Angst!
Word Count: 548
Disclaimer: I love to poke and prod the GW boys, but that doesn’t mean I own them. Gundam Wing is owned by Hajime Yatate and Yoshiyuki Tomino.
Notes: No with the hurting! *Ducks and runs* Written for the gw500 vice prompt. Part XII in the Growing Up Mini-Series.

Previous Parts can be found here:
It Was the Floor Plan
Lessons from Heero
Opening Scabs
Advice from a Vulture
Try, Try, Try
Tea in the Cupboard
Somewhere
One For the Books
Pocket Lube
One Box of Postcards
Memories

Awkward Silences

The words washed over me and I took a sharp breath, biting my lip. They hadn’t been properly said in such a long time – a time when things were very different from the feeble attempt of making things the way they once were. I opened my mouth, closed it, and opened it again, but no words came.

I loved Heero – to that, there was no question. But saying it – confirming the next step in the relationship – was just too much for me. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

And as the silence dragged on, I could almost feel Heero’s tension through the phone.

Well aware of the suspense I was creating, I took a deep breath and rushed into an explanation. “Heero, you know I return your feelings, but I’m just not ready to take that step yet. It’s not your fault, but I just feel-“

His voice was strained when he interrupted me. “I understand, Duo.”

“But Heero, let me explain-“

“It’s alright.” But the dejection lingering in his voice told me things were far from alright.

I chewed on my pinky, desperate to come up with something, anything to make things right, but nothing came, and after some awkward silence, Heero muttered, “Well, I’m exhausted. It was a long day. I’m going to go climb in bed.”

“Heero…”

My heart was pounding; the last thing I wanted was to let Heero go to bed feeling rejected, but he didn’t give me a chance to formulate the appropriate response before he said, “Goodnight, Duo,” with such finality that it felt like a slap in the face.

Long after the line went dead, I held the phone to my ear, unwilling to believe he had just hung up on me.

Everything about the second time around seemed to be filled with invisible rules. I had thought I was setting everything up to keep us both safe, to make sure that we could build a working relationship, but it was all just so complicated that I wasn’t even sure I knew the rules anymore.

I needed to keep my distance, for my own sake, but my own protection seemed to only hold me down, like a vice keeping me from moving. I had no idea how to break free.

I needed Heero. My time without him proved that much. But I was so afraid that we’d fall back into our old pattern that I kept running from him.

I thought about him laying there, running my words over and over through his head, and I could feel the pain I knew he must have been feeling; how I knew I’d feel if it had been me on the other end of the line, not having my words echoed, and I felt utterly miserable for doing that to him.

I needed to take my time, but we hadn’t moved forward for a while. I was starting to wonder if I hadn’t become stagnant. Wonder if my fear wouldn’t ruin my chances at the only thing I’ve ever truly wanted.

The only person I’ve ever truly loved.

I wanted to move forward; to meet him halfway, but I wasn’t sure I knew how.

And in the midst of the most important decision of my life, I found myself at a loss.